


Fault

by changingapart



Series: Fault [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:15:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29580132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changingapart/pseuds/changingapart
Summary: Title:FaultAuthor:SulkygeekRating:R just to be safe for some sexual referencesLength:4800Spoilers:Through Sectionals, includes some spoilers I read for the upcoming season, but nothing too in-depth.Summary:Quinn Fabary was confused and it was all Rachel Berry’s fault.
Series: Fault [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2179926
Kudos: 1
Collections: slkgk





	Fault

**Title:** Fault  
**Author:** Sulkygeek  
**Rating:** R just to be safe for some sexual references  
**Length:** 4800  
**Spoilers:** Through Sectionals, includes some spoilers I read for the upcoming season, but nothing too in-depth.  
**Summary:** Quinn Fabary was confused and it was all Rachel Berry’s fault.

It was all Rachel’s fault, at least, that was the way Quinn felt about it. After all, she never questioned her sexual orientation until Rachel started dating some secret girlfriend, not even when Brittany and Santana started making out in the backseat of her car. But Rachel flipping Berry started dating some girl and Rachel was so damn _secretive_ about who it was that it was hard not to get curious. But it’s not like Quinn wanted any of that. She was already the Cheerio that got kicked off the squad for getting pregnant, she was already the crappy teenaged mother that gave up her newborn baby girl three days after she was born and she was already the girl that got kicked out of her parents’ house and still hadn’t been let back in. So she did _not_ want to be the girl that suddenly started to question her sexual identity. No way. That was Rachel Berry territory, and Quinn wanted it to remain Rachel Berry territory.

Except it wasn’t.

Unlike almost everything else about Rachel, the brunette’s foray into dating girls was a relatively quiet affair. There was the winter formal dance in the middle of their junior year and no one in Glee other than Brittany and Santana were paired up with anyone. At least, that’s what everyone thought. Finn suggested that everyone just pair up and go together-- one big Glee event, team solidarity and all that crap. Everyone seemed really amenable to it, but Rachel stayed quiet.

“Rach?” Finn asked. “What do you think? I could pick you up.”

“Or I could,” Puck suggested.

Rachel was uncharacteristically quiet. She stared down at the ground for a moment and finally looked up. “I can’t,” she said apologetically. “I kind of already have plans.”

“What could _you_ possibly be doing?” Quinn demanded. They were friendly toward each other most of the time. Hell, they were even probably friends. But Quinn had not quite tamed her tendency to be mean to Rachel if the occasion presented itself. “Making a music video for MySpace? Just do it another day and come with us,” she said irritably.

Rachel was unruffled. “I already have plans,” she repeated. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Puck was visibly irritated. “Why?” he demanded. “Do you have a secret boyfriend or something?” he demanded. Despite the fact he hadn’t wanted a relationship with Rachel, he was frequently clearly possessive of her and became nearly apoplectic with jealousy whenever anyone of the male species demonstrated interest in her.

Rachel cleared her throat. “Girlfriend,” she corrected in a mutter.

The room went silent and then erupted into questioning roars.

\--  
  
The backstory was true Rachel Berry. And it went something like this:

“I was curious,” Rachel explained, without any shame or embarrassment. “And I met someone. And so we’re giving it a try.”

But no matter how much everyone begged for the details, Rachel wouldn’t give up much more information than that. Puck immediately thought that Rachel was dating a sexually confused cougar housewife, but that was only because he had a hankering for older women. Rachel would neither confirm nor deny this. Santana suggested that Rachel’s secret girlfriend was hideously disfigured, but once again, Rachel refused to confirm or deny. Kurt suggested that Rachel met this person on the internet and everyone seemed to think this was the most likely scenario. But Rachel refused to confirm or deny this too, which only added to everyone’s frustration.

“She’s not in a position where she can be open about our relationship, and that’s okay with me,” Rachel said. “That’s all I’m going to say.”

There were more questions, but Rachel refused to answer them, except to plead for everyone to keep it under wraps, because she didn’t want any rumors around the school or any scrutiny.

“If anything ever changes, I’ll introduce you guys,” Rachel swore. “But I’m not optimistic.” She gave them a wintry smile. “But I’m seeing where it takes me.”

It was Kurt who backed off first, and everyone else followed his example.

But Quinn suspected that it was someone at the school because of something Rachel said that no one else seemed to catch.

“We can’t go to the dance, but she wants to get together anyway.”

The only school that was having a Winter Formal that day was McKinley.

\--

Quinn and the rest of the Glee club kept the information under wraps, but they also watched Rachel a little more closely, hoping for a hint. They were respectful for her need for privacy when they were in public, but when it was just the Glee club, the questions were relentless. Still, Rachel was admirably close-lipped. Rachel seemed happy more or less, and then one day, she didn’t.

She didn’t make a big deal out of it, she wasn’t walking around crying and she wasn’t leaning back in her chair with her head tilted back and her wrist draped over her forehead. But she was unhappy. It was clear the relationship hadn’t worked out, and no one asked any more questions and no one brought it up again.

\--

Quinn figured out who Rachel’s secret girlfriend had been after Rachel started dating her male equivalent on the Vocal Adrenaline team. Rachel and the boy diva from Carmel High hit it off _instantly_ and it seemed like Vocal Adrenaline was trying to poach Rachel for their own team. There were murmurs in New Directions about Rachel’s potential for a split allegiance, but Quinn thought that was ridiculous. Rachel Berry would never in a million years put aside her dreams for a boy from their biggest competitor.

Quinn left campus late one school day after studying at the library and found Rachel talking to Cindy Wallace, a senior on the Cheerios. Cindy reminded Quinn a lot of herself. Cindy’s parents went to church with Quinn’s parents and Cindy’s parents were one of the few people that Quinn’s father overtly approved of. They had a really similar family background. She didn’t know Cindy all that well, just that Cindy was one of the tallest Cheerios on the squad and that she had a pretty high opinion of herself. Cindy was pretty--a person just had to look at her to know that. And she was smart, too. She kept mostly to herself, even amongst the other Cheerios, so people tended to think she was stuck-up. She kind of was, but Cindy had always been nice to Quinn, so Quinn really didn’t have anything against her.

“You didn’t have to date him, like, five seconds after we broke up! You didn’t have to be such a ho!” Cindy exclaimed.

Cindy was in tears and Rachel looked apologetic and pleading, but she was definitely the calmer one.

Quinn watched as Rachel put her hand over Cindy’s mouth to silence her. Rachel glanced around and her eyes widened in horror as she caught sight of Quinn. Cindy turned to follow Rachel’s gaze, and Quinn saw Cindy’s face fall, her eyes widening with panic.

Rachel gave Cindy a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek and there was a hurried conversation before Rachel ushered Cindy into Cindy’s car. Rachel put her hand on the glass on the driver’s side window and smiled reassuringly. Cindy looked back at Quinn, her eyes wide and worried before she drove away.

Then Rachel stalked over to Quinn.

“You can’t tell anyone what you heard,” Rachel said, her voice low and vaguely menacing, but the expression in her eyes was anxious.

Quinn rolled her eyes. “Like anyone is going to care who you’re dating.”

Rachel nodded slightly. “You’re right,” she said quietly. “No one is going to care. But people are going to care who Cindy is dating, and Quinn, if it gets around, her parents will _kill_ her. They’re _crazy_. You can’t tell anyone. You _can’t_. They’ll, like, send her off to one of those de-gaying camps and they’ll totally cut her off. She’s going to be 18 in three weeks and if they kick her out, no one is going to do anything. And she’s going to Berkeley in the fall, so if you tell _anyone_ she won’t get to have that and--”

“I won’t tell anyone, geez!” Quinn exclaimed.

Rachel’s eyes were pleading. “Promise?” she asked anxiously. “Do you promise me?”

Quinn heaved a deep, annoyed sigh. “I promise,” she said irritably.

Rachel smiled gratefully at her. Her mouth open and wide showing off even, white teeth. God, she had such a bright smile. “Thank you,” she said sincerely.

“How’d you two end up together anyway?”

Rachel’s smile was enigmatic. “It’s not all my story to tell,” she said simply. “I have to go,” she said, looking vaguely over her shoulder in the direction Cindy had driven away in. “I have to go talk to her. She’s freaking out and I need to tell her it’ll be okay.”

Quinn reached out to take Rachel by the shoulder. “You’re awfully loyal to someone who wouldn’t even be open about dating you.”

Rachel gave her a small smile. “Just because we’re not dating doesn’t mean I don’t care about her.”

“Then why’d you break up with her?”

Given how upset Cindy had been about Rachel dating someone new, Quinn assumed that it was Rachel who’d ended things. After all, Cindy was the one who was crying and Rachel was the one who’d moved on.

“I didn’t.”

\--

By end of the first semester of their senior year, Rachel and the boy diva were over, and Quinn and Rachel were closer, the secret they shared bringing them together.

“Hey, look,” Rachel said with a grin. “I got a message on my MySpace from a female admirer.”

Quinn rolled her eyes. “When are you going to switch to Facebook like a normal person?”

“I have a Facebook,” Rachel said.

“How come you didn’t add me?”

Rachel grinned at her “Because I didn’t want to,” she joked.

Quinn huffed and slapped Rachel’s arm. “Add me,” she demanded.

“I will,” Rachel promised. “Anyway. Take a look at this.”

Quinn peered over Rachel’s shoulder at the screen. She read the message. It was from some girl named Daisy on Vocal Adrenaline who’d heard from a reliable source (read: Rachel’s ex-boyfriend) that Rachel swung both ways. Would Rachel be interested in meeting up? Quinn reached out to put her hand on the mouse and click on the girl’s page to look at the pictures.

“She looks like a cartoon,” Quinn said irritably.

“But in a good way,” Rachel added.

“Yeah, whatever,” Quinn said. “I didn’t know you liked Jessica Rabbit.”

Daisy was _adorable_ and Quinn could see that Rachel was attracted. Daisy looked like a character from a Japanese anime with big, wide eyes. Plus, Daisy was an admirer, and there were few things Rachel liked more than an admirer.

“Jessica Rabbit _is_ sexy,” Rachel agreed absently.

“Are you seriously thinking about meeting up with her?” Quinn demanded when she saw Rachel click back to the message and hit reply.

“Why not?” Rachel asked. “I’m not dating anyone, and there are very few prospects of either gender at McKinley. Daisy evidently shares my passion for music, we clearly have similar taste in music if her information on her profile is accurate and she has to be talented if she’s a Vocal Adrenaline member. I think I even remember meeting her once or twice while I was dating--”

“Because it’s totally like online dating,” Quinn interrupted. “And only losers online date.”

“You remind me that I’m a loser all the time, Quinn.”

“Yeah, but you’re a geeky loser. You have a big mouth and you’re so socially _wrong_ , I think you might have Asperger’s. Your outfits are so bad, I wish I could send you the bill every time I have an eye exam, I mean, sometimes I literally _hurt_ looking at you. But you’re _not_ online dating loser category.”

Rachel laughed. “But she’s not a total stranger,” she pointed out. She clicked back onto Daisy’s profile and scanned through the pictures again, pausing at one which had a close-up of Daisy’s ample breasts. “I find her…intriguing.”

Quinn rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help but stare at Daisy’s breasts, too. “Please, her boobs aren’t even that nice.”

“They’re nicer than mine.”

“No, they’re not,” Quinn disagreed. She instantly wished she could slap her hand over her mouth, but she knew that would be even worse. She dearly hoped Rachel wouldn’t ask her why she would even know what Rachel’s breasts looked like. She’d sneaked a peek when they were changing into their costumes at Nationals during the previous school year.

Rachel raised an eyebrow and looked at her questioningly. “Uh, thanks,” she said.

Rachel clicked back to her inbox and visibly brightened.

“It’s Cindy,” she said happily. She clicked on the message and skimmed it briefly, before X-ing out of it and bringing her attention back to Quinn. “Okay, break’s over. We should finish that assignment for Mr. Schue.”

“I didn’t know you and Cindy still talked.”

“She’s my friend, Quinn.”

“Well, _we’re_ friends, and you didn’t tell me you guys still talked.”

Rachel shrugged. “I don’t see how that’s relevant to _our_ friendship.”

“I know you haven’t had a lot of experience with friendships,” Quinn said. “But usually, friends share that kind of thing with one another. Especially since I kept your secret about you and Cindy all this time.”

Rachel raised an eyebrow. “So I’m supposed to laud you for keeping a secret? I thought friendships were also about keeping one another’s confidences.”

“It’s sort of a two way street, Rach.”

Rachel chuckled. “We stay in touch,” she admitted simply. “We’re friends.”

“Even though she broke up with you?”

No matter how many times Quinn asked, Rachel never said anything about how her relationship with Cindy really ended. And by the time Quinn learned of Rachel’s relationship with Cindy, Rachel was already dating that guy from Vocal Adrenaline, so it just seemed irrelevant. Why keep asking about an ex, when her friend was already dating someone new? But at the time, Quinn had to admit, she’d been way more curious about the ex-girlfriend than the new boyfriend. And now that Rachel and the boyfriend were broken up, it seemed like fair game to ask about the ex-girlfriend.

Rachel looked uncomfortable. “She said she couldn’t do it,” she said quietly. “She said it was too hard to keep lying to her folks and her friends and she said she loved me, but she loved her life more, so she was choosing her life. But she said she wanted to still be my friend. That’s the whole story.”

Quinn peered closely at Rachel. “Did you love her?”

Rachel winced. “No,” she said softly. “I liked her a lot. But it was clear to me that she was really just a friend. But I needed to…I needed to be sure, you know? Because I wasn’t sure what I really wanted. It was kind of a relief when she ended it. I wouldn’t have.”

“What was it like? Quinn asked quietly, wishing she hadn’t asked, but now that she got Rachel talking about it, she wasn’t sure when another opportunity would come up. She knew she was probably being totally transparent.

Rachel shrugged. “Honestly? Not that different. I realize people say it is, but it’s not. I mean, she was…softer. Her lips were softer, her hands were softer, her skin was softer. She didn’t have stubble anywhere, and generally, she smelled nicer. But it was still just, you know, lips on lips, skin on skin. It was still just hand holding, kissing, sex. It wasn’t different the way I thought it would be. It was the same a lot more than it was different.”

Quinn swallowed hard. God, she hated Rachel Berry sometimes, because yeah, they were friends, and pretty good ones at that. But she had no idea why Rachel Berry had to question her sexuality which made Quinn question her own. It was all Rachel’s fault. If only Rachel hadn’t announced that she was dating a girl, if only she’d just _lied_ about her plans on Winter Formal night instead of telling the damn truth, Quinn wouldn’t be in this mess. This fucking _mess_ where she thought about what it would be like to kiss lips that were softer, to have hands on her which were softer, skin pressed against her that was soft and not rough, to have legs that were soft and hairless rather than muscled and hairy. She wouldn’t wonder what it would be like to touch a cheek that didn’t have to be shaved, she wouldn’t wonder what it felt like to touch a chest that was soft with the swell of breasts rather than hardened by muscle. She wouldn’t wonder about what it would be like to touch another girl in between the legs when she touched herself. She wouldn’t have to _wonder_ all the damn time. It was all Rachel’s fault!  
  
Quinn cleared her throat. “And what about--”

Rachel interrupted her quickly, knowing exactly who Quinn was going to ask about.

“Him I loved,” she said flatly. “That’s all I’m going to say about that.”

Everyone said he was the male version of her, but he wasn’t. Maybe it seemed like that to the outside world, but she never would have done the things he’d done to her. Not to anyone. Not to someone she professed to love. They were different in all the ways that mattered and similar in ways that were completely irrelevant. No one in her entire life had hurt her the way he’d hurt her and it was hard enough thinking about how she’d have to see him again the next time they went up against Vocal Adrenaline. And she had to admit, a part of the reason this Daisy girl was so intriguing to her was because she had a masochistic streak that wanted to see him again.

“So you loved him, but you didn’t love her. That means--”

“Why so curious, Quinn?” Rachel interrupted.

“I’m just _interested_. Friends are interested in each other’s lives, okay?” Quinn said defensively.

“Well, I’d prefer not to talk about him ever again,” Rachel said. “It’s _clearly_ over with him and I don’t see why I should have to think about it just because you’re _interested_.”  
Just thinking about him agitated her. The bad outweighed the good. That was the worst part. As good and sweet as he could be, when it came down to it, the bad outweighed the good

“I wasn’t asking about _him_ ,” Quinn protested. “I was asking about _her_.”

“Well, why are you even asking about Cindy anyway?” Rachel asked irritably. “She’s none of your business, either.”

“I was just curious, okay? I just wanted to know what it was like to be with a girl!” Quinn exclaimed.

“Why would _you_ be--” Rachel trailed off. “ _Oh._ ”

Quinn’s mouth was a perfect, horrified ‘O’. She put her hand over her mouth as thought that could cram the words back into her mouth, like it would somehow take back her outburst. “Oh God,” she breathed.

“Quinn,” Rachel said softly, putting her hands on Quinn’s shoulders. “Look, it’s okay to be curious. It’s _normal_ , okay? I know for me it was--”

“It’s _not_ normal!” Quinn shouted. “Not everyone gets to be _you_ , Rachel. Not everyone gets to date a girl one day and then go back to dating boys like it’s _nothing_ , like it’s that _easy_!”

If this was actually happening to her, if she liked _girls_ , then there was no way in hell she was ever going to get back a normal life. She wasn’t going to marry some nice guy and have kids with him and live in the suburbs and have everything work out all right despite the fact that she was once an unwed pregnant teen. She still had a _chance_ at normalcy, but if this was actually happening to her, if she liked girl, there was no way she was ever going to have a chance at a normal life.

She wanted Rachel to tell her that girls were gross. She wanted some more graphic details. She wanted Rachel to describe it to her and she wanted to recoil in disgust. She did _not_ want to think about what it would feel like to have soft hands and soft fingers between her legs and have that feel _nice_. She wanted to be disgusted at the thought of it. She didn’t want Rachel’s G-rated explanation about the difference between boys and girls to get her to start thinking about how soft Rachel’s hands were, or how soft Rachel’s lips looked, or how those lips would feel between her legs. And if she _did_ start thinking about that, she wanted to be grossed out by it, disgusted-- and not just because it was Rachel, but by the thought of _any_ girl’s lips and mouth there. But the problem was-- she wasn’t grossed out by it. Instead her underwear felt wet and constricting and what she wanted more than anything was a soft hand between her legs that wasn’t her own.

And God, apparently it was just so _easy_ for Rachel. Rachel could date a girl and not fall in love and then fall in love with a _boy_ , break up with him and be interested in some cartoon-looking girl that hit her up on MySpace. It was all so goddamn easy for Rachel, but it was _not_ going to be that easy for Quinn, and the blonde just knew it.

“Quinn,” Rachel said softly. “It _can_ be that easy. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for who you like, okay? If you like girls--”

“I don’t!”

“Okay,” Rachel said quietly. “But hypothetically, in the unlikely event that you like girls, you don’t owe it to anyone to explain, okay? Just like you don’t owe it to anyone to explain why you like guys. It’s _none_ of anyone’s business.”

“You can’t tell anyone,” Quinn said suddenly, pleadingly. “I kept your secret about Cindy. You can’t tell anyone about this.”

Rachel squeezed Quinn’s shoulder reassuringly. “Of course I won’t tell anyone,” she said softly. “I told you, it’s none of anyone’s business. Not mine, either.”

Quinn swallowed hard, feeling marginally calmer. “Tell me why you didn’t love her.”

She had to know. She had to know why she and Rachel were so different, because Quinn was fairly sure that if she’d dated a girl, any girl, she would have fallen in love. If she’d gotten so far to the point of _dating_ a girl, Quinn was fairly sure she would have just gone to whole way into love.

“Well, I did love her,” Rachel explained softly. “But it was more just…you know, friends. I mean, she _really_ didn’t want to be gay, which was okay, because I understood. But she was…” Rachel bit her lower lip. “She was mean to me a lot because she didn’t want to be. And I couldn’t figure it out because she was the one who approached me. Why would I have approached her? And she kept saying she was sorry about being mean but she never stopped being mean. Don’t misunderstand, she was nice to me a lot, too. But she was _mean_ and I understood why, but how am I supposed to fall in love with someone who didn’t want to love me and was mean to me all the time because of it? But with her family and all… I got where she was coming from and I felt awful for her. I really wished her parents were as good to her as my dads are to me, and I adored her, but I really only loved her as friends.”

She wished her self-control had extended to not falling in love with boyfriends who were mean to her more often than not, but Rachel tried to push thoughts of him out of her mind.

“So if she’d been nicer to you, you would have….”

“Of course,” Rachel said softly. “What wasn’t to love about her?”

“So you _are_ …”

“Gay?” Rachel asked quietly, peering at Quinn intently. “I don’t know,” Rachel said honestly. “I’ve only dated one girl and that was Cindy. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not, but I’m not going to let anyone tell me I can’t figure that out on my own for myself. It’s not anyone else’s business.”

“What if you are?”

“What if I’m what?” Rachel asked gently.

“Gay.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to file for a domestic partnership, although frankly, I hope by the time I am ready to get married, Americans will be more open-minded about marriage equality.”

Quinn gave her a small smile. “What if you’re not?”

“Then I guess I’ll get married. But I still hope that Americans will be more open-minded about marriage equality either way.”

“I don’t want to be,” Quinn said quietly.

“Hey,” Rachel said. “Do you want to be one of those 50 year old women with a husband and six kids who figures it out way too late and hurts everyone by leaving her family for a woman? Or do you want to be 90 years old and be on your deathbed and wonder what it would it have been like? It’s not a big deal, Quinn. Being gay isn’t the end of the world, and you aren’t the only one who is curious.”

Quinn averted her eyes. “Yeah, I guess,” she said flatly. She wanted to change the subject. “So, like, are you going to meet up with that Daisy girl?” She did _not_ want to mention that the thought of Rachel meeting up with that girl was making her want to bite her own tongue and choke on her own blood. And she wanted to scratch that Daisy girl’s eyes out.

She was confused and it was _all_ Rachel’s fault.

Rachel looked intently at her. “Well, I _am_ free Friday night.”

“It is date night,” Quinn said glumly.

Rachel smiled at her. “Are you free?”

Quinn‘s head snapped up, startled. “What?”

“I’m still figuring it out and you’re confused,” Rachel said simply. “Let’s hang out and see if we can’t figure it out together.” She smiled reassuringly at Quinn. “We don’t have to do anything. Not Friday, not ever,” she promised. “We’re friends. But let’s see if we can’t… _unconfuse_ things. It can just be a normal Friday night.”

“But you’re still in love with _him_ ,” Quinn said, making a face. She hated him, too. But only because Rachel seemed sadder after him than before him.

Rachel smiled crookedly. “No one said it would be easy.”

She knew she’d get over him eventually. It would just take time. She wanted to be loved, but she wasn’t _desperate_ for it, and she felt like she debased herself enough for him. If she tried to get him back then she really would be as stupid as she thought she was.

“We don’t have to do anything?” Quinn asked quietly.

“It might even be weird if we did,” Rachel said in breezy, lazy tones.

“But not _that_ weird,” Quinn added quickly. Because she wasn’t about to give up anything upfront.

“No.”

Quinn grinned shyly at Rachel and Rachel smiled back.

“This Daisy girl is probably a sure thing, you know,” Quinn said.

Rachel smiled. “I’m not big on sure things. I like long shots.”

Quinn looked worried. “If this goes bad, if it doesn’t work--”

“I like long shots, Quinn.” She smiled. “So are you free on Friday night?”

Quinn smiled back and nodded. “Yeah,” she said softly.

Rachel grinned at her. “Okay, then. I’m going to assign you homework before our date. I think it’s important that you become aware of all the websites and resources out there. I’ll email you the links. And be sure to take some pamphlets before you go home. I have plenty.”

Quinn grimaced. “Couldn’t you just, like, give me a cheat sheet?”

“This is very important, Quinn.”

“This is ridiculous, Rachel.”

They stared at each other silently for a full minute before Quinn finally gave in. “Fine,” she grumbled. “Email me the links and give me the pamphlets.”

Rachel grinned triumphantly. “You won’t regret it.”

“I think I already do,” Quinn huffed.

But she didn’t regret it because Quinn Fabray soon became _un_ confused and it was all Rachel Berry’s fault and Quinn was okay with that.

It was all Rachel’s fault, at least, that was the way Quinn felt about it. After all, she never questioned her sexual orientation until Rachel started dating some secret girlfriend, not even when Brittany and Santana started making out in the backseat of her car. But Rachel flipping Berry started dating some girl and Rachel was so damn _secretive_ about who it was that it was hard not to get curious. But it’s not like Quinn wanted any of that. She was already the Cheerio that got kicked off the squad for getting pregnant, she was already the crappy teenaged mother that gave up her newborn baby girl three days after she was born and she was already the girl that got kicked out of her parents’ house and still hadn’t been let back in. So she did _not_ want to be the girl that suddenly started to question her sexual identity. No way. That was Rachel Berry territory, and Quinn wanted it to remain Rachel Berry territory.

Except it wasn’t.

Unlike almost everything else about Rachel, the brunette’s foray into dating girls was a relatively quiet affair. There was the winter formal dance in the middle of their junior year and no one in Glee other than Brittany and Santana were paired up with anyone. At least, that’s what everyone thought. Finn suggested that everyone just pair up and go together-- one big Glee event, team solidarity and all that crap. Everyone seemed really amenable to it, but Rachel stayed quiet.

“Rach?” Finn asked. “What do you think? I could pick you up.”

“Or I could,” Puck suggested.

Rachel was uncharacteristically quiet. She stared down at the ground for a moment and finally looked up. “I can’t,” she said apologetically. “I kind of already have plans.”

“What could _you_ possibly be doing?” Quinn demanded. They were friendly toward each other most of the time. Hell, they were even probably friends. But Quinn had not quite tamed her tendency to be mean to Rachel if the occasion presented itself. “Making a music video for MySpace? Just do it another day and come with us,” she said irritably.

Rachel was unruffled. “I already have plans,” she repeated. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Puck was visibly irritated. “Why?” he demanded. “Do you have a secret boyfriend or something?” he demanded. Despite the fact he hadn’t wanted a relationship with Rachel, he was frequently clearly possessive of her and became nearly apoplectic with jealousy whenever anyone of the male species demonstrated interest in her.

Rachel cleared her throat. “Girlfriend,” she corrected in a mutter.

The room went silent and then erupted into questioning roars.

\--  
  
The backstory was true Rachel Berry. And it went something like this:

“I was curious,” Rachel explained, without any shame or embarrassment. “And I met someone. And so we’re giving it a try.”

But no matter how much everyone begged for the details, Rachel wouldn’t give up much more information than that. Puck immediately thought that Rachel was dating a sexually confused cougar housewife, but that was only because he had a hankering for older women. Rachel would neither confirm nor deny this. Santana suggested that Rachel’s secret girlfriend was hideously disfigured, but once again, Rachel refused to confirm or deny. Kurt suggested that Rachel met this person on the internet and everyone seemed to think this was the most likely scenario. But Rachel refused to confirm or deny this too, which only added to everyone’s frustration.

“She’s not in a position where she can be open about our relationship, and that’s okay with me,” Rachel said. “That’s all I’m going to say.”

There were more questions, but Rachel refused to answer them, except to plead for everyone to keep it under wraps, because she didn’t want any rumors around the school or any scrutiny.

“If anything ever changes, I’ll introduce you guys,” Rachel swore. “But I’m not optimistic.” She gave them a wintry smile. “But I’m seeing where it takes me.”

It was Kurt who backed off first, and everyone else followed his example.

But Quinn suspected that it was someone at the school because of something Rachel said that no one else seemed to catch.

“We can’t go to the dance, but she wants to get together anyway.”

The only school that was having a Winter Formal that day was McKinley.

\--

Quinn and the rest of the Glee club kept the information under wraps, but they also watched Rachel a little more closely, hoping for a hint. They were respectful for her need for privacy when they were in public, but when it was just the Glee club, the questions were relentless. Still, Rachel was admirably close-lipped. Rachel seemed happy more or less, and then one day, she didn’t.

She didn’t make a big deal out of it, she wasn’t walking around crying and she wasn’t leaning back in her chair with her head tilted back and her wrist draped over her forehead. But she was unhappy. It was clear the relationship hadn’t worked out, and no one asked any more questions and no one brought it up again.

\--

Quinn figured out who Rachel’s secret girlfriend had been after Rachel started dating her male equivalent on the Vocal Adrenaline team. Rachel and the boy diva from Carmel High hit it off _instantly_ and it seemed like Vocal Adrenaline was trying to poach Rachel for their own team. There were murmurs in New Directions about Rachel’s potential for a split allegiance, but Quinn thought that was ridiculous. Rachel Berry would never in a million years put aside her dreams for a boy from their biggest competitor.

Quinn left campus late one school day after studying at the library and found Rachel talking to Cindy Wallace, a senior on the Cheerios. Cindy reminded Quinn a lot of herself. Cindy’s parents went to church with Quinn’s parents and Cindy’s parents were one of the few people that Quinn’s father overtly approved of. They had a really similar family background. She didn’t know Cindy all that well, just that Cindy was one of the tallest Cheerios on the squad and that she had a pretty high opinion of herself. Cindy was pretty--a person just had to look at her to know that. And she was smart, too. She kept mostly to herself, even amongst the other Cheerios, so people tended to think she was stuck-up. She kind of was, but Cindy had always been nice to Quinn, so Quinn really didn’t have anything against her.

“You didn’t have to date him, like, five seconds after we broke up! You didn’t have to be such a ho!” Cindy exclaimed.

Cindy was in tears and Rachel looked apologetic and pleading, but she was definitely the calmer one.

Quinn watched as Rachel put her hand over Cindy’s mouth to silence her. Rachel glanced around and her eyes widened in horror as she caught sight of Quinn. Cindy turned to follow Rachel’s gaze, and Quinn saw Cindy’s face fall, her eyes widening with panic.

Rachel gave Cindy a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek and there was a hurried conversation before Rachel ushered Cindy into Cindy’s car. Rachel put her hand on the glass on the driver’s side window and smiled reassuringly. Cindy looked back at Quinn, her eyes wide and worried before she drove away.

Then Rachel stalked over to Quinn.

“You can’t tell anyone what you heard,” Rachel said, her voice low and vaguely menacing, but the expression in her eyes was anxious.

Quinn rolled her eyes. “Like anyone is going to care who you’re dating.”

Rachel nodded slightly. “You’re right,” she said quietly. “No one is going to care. But people are going to care who Cindy is dating, and Quinn, if it gets around, her parents will _kill_ her. They’re _crazy_. You can’t tell anyone. You _can’t_. They’ll, like, send her off to one of those de-gaying camps and they’ll totally cut her off. She’s going to be 18 in three weeks and if they kick her out, no one is going to do anything. And she’s going to Berkeley in the fall, so if you tell _anyone_ she won’t get to have that and--”

“I won’t tell anyone, geez!” Quinn exclaimed.

Rachel’s eyes were pleading. “Promise?” she asked anxiously. “Do you promise me?”

Quinn heaved a deep, annoyed sigh. “I promise,” she said irritably.

Rachel smiled gratefully at her. Her mouth open and wide showing off even, white teeth. God, she had such a bright smile. “Thank you,” she said sincerely.

“How’d you two end up together anyway?”

Rachel’s smile was enigmatic. “It’s not all my story to tell,” she said simply. “I have to go,” she said, looking vaguely over her shoulder in the direction Cindy had driven away in. “I have to go talk to her. She’s freaking out and I need to tell her it’ll be okay.”

Quinn reached out to take Rachel by the shoulder. “You’re awfully loyal to someone who wouldn’t even be open about dating you.”

Rachel gave her a small smile. “Just because we’re not dating doesn’t mean I don’t care about her.”

“Then why’d you break up with her?”

Given how upset Cindy had been about Rachel dating someone new, Quinn assumed that it was Rachel who’d ended things. After all, Cindy was the one who was crying and Rachel was the one who’d moved on.

“I didn’t.”

\--

By end of the first semester of their senior year, Rachel and the boy diva were over, and Quinn and Rachel were closer, the secret they shared bringing them together.

“Hey, look,” Rachel said with a grin. “I got a message on my MySpace from a female admirer.”

Quinn rolled her eyes. “When are you going to switch to Facebook like a normal person?”

“I have a Facebook,” Rachel said.

“How come you didn’t add me?”

Rachel grinned at her “Because I didn’t want to,” she joked.

Quinn huffed and slapped Rachel’s arm. “Add me,” she demanded.

“I will,” Rachel promised. “Anyway. Take a look at this.”

Quinn peered over Rachel’s shoulder at the screen. She read the message. It was from some girl named Daisy on Vocal Adrenaline who’d heard from a reliable source (read: Rachel’s ex-boyfriend) that Rachel swung both ways. Would Rachel be interested in meeting up? Quinn reached out to put her hand on the mouse and click on the girl’s page to look at the pictures.

“She looks like a cartoon,” Quinn said irritably.

“But in a good way,” Rachel added.

“Yeah, whatever,” Quinn said. “I didn’t know you liked Jessica Rabbit.”

Daisy was _adorable_ and Quinn could see that Rachel was attracted. Daisy looked like a character from a Japanese anime with big, wide eyes. Plus, Daisy was an admirer, and there were few things Rachel liked more than an admirer.

“Jessica Rabbit _is_ sexy,” Rachel agreed absently.

“Are you seriously thinking about meeting up with her?” Quinn demanded when she saw Rachel click back to the message and hit reply.

“Why not?” Rachel asked. “I’m not dating anyone, and there are very few prospects of either gender at McKinley. Daisy evidently shares my passion for music, we clearly have similar taste in music if her information on her profile is accurate and she has to be talented if she’s a Vocal Adrenaline member. I think I even remember meeting her once or twice while I was dating--”

“Because it’s totally like online dating,” Quinn interrupted. “And only losers online date.”

“You remind me that I’m a loser all the time, Quinn.”

“Yeah, but you’re a geeky loser. You have a big mouth and you’re so socially _wrong_ , I think you might have Asperger’s. Your outfits are so bad, I wish I could send you the bill every time I have an eye exam, I mean, sometimes I literally _hurt_ looking at you. But you’re _not_ online dating loser category.”

Rachel laughed. “But she’s not a total stranger,” she pointed out. She clicked back onto Daisy’s profile and scanned through the pictures again, pausing at one which had a close-up of Daisy’s ample breasts. “I find her…intriguing.”

Quinn rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help but stare at Daisy’s breasts, too. “Please, her boobs aren’t even that nice.”

“They’re nicer than mine.”

“No, they’re not,” Quinn disagreed. She instantly wished she could slap her hand over her mouth, but she knew that would be even worse. She dearly hoped Rachel wouldn’t ask her why she would even know what Rachel’s breasts looked like. She’d sneaked a peek when they were changing into their costumes at Nationals during the previous school year.

Rachel raised an eyebrow and looked at her questioningly. “Uh, thanks,” she said.

Rachel clicked back to her inbox and visibly brightened.

“It’s Cindy,” she said happily. She clicked on the message and skimmed it briefly, before X-ing out of it and bringing her attention back to Quinn. “Okay, break’s over. We should finish that assignment for Mr. Schue.”

“I didn’t know you and Cindy still talked.”

“She’s my friend, Quinn.”

“Well, _we’re_ friends, and you didn’t tell me you guys still talked.”

Rachel shrugged. “I don’t see how that’s relevant to _our_ friendship.”

“I know you haven’t had a lot of experience with friendships,” Quinn said. “But usually, friends share that kind of thing with one another. Especially since I kept your secret about you and Cindy all this time.”

Rachel raised an eyebrow. “So I’m supposed to laud you for keeping a secret? I thought friendships were also about keeping one another’s confidences.”

“It’s sort of a two way street, Rach.”

Rachel chuckled. “We stay in touch,” she admitted simply. “We’re friends.”

“Even though she broke up with you?”

No matter how many times Quinn asked, Rachel never said anything about how her relationship with Cindy really ended. And by the time Quinn learned of Rachel’s relationship with Cindy, Rachel was already dating that guy from Vocal Adrenaline, so it just seemed irrelevant. Why keep asking about an ex, when her friend was already dating someone new? But at the time, Quinn had to admit, she’d been way more curious about the ex-girlfriend than the new boyfriend. And now that Rachel and the boyfriend were broken up, it seemed like fair game to ask about the ex-girlfriend.

Rachel looked uncomfortable. “She said she couldn’t do it,” she said quietly. “She said it was too hard to keep lying to her folks and her friends and she said she loved me, but she loved her life more, so she was choosing her life. But she said she wanted to still be my friend. That’s the whole story.”

Quinn peered closely at Rachel. “Did you love her?”

Rachel winced. “No,” she said softly. “I liked her a lot. But it was clear to me that she was really just a friend. But I needed to…I needed to be sure, you know? Because I wasn’t sure what I really wanted. It was kind of a relief when she ended it. I wouldn’t have.”

“What was it like? Quinn asked quietly, wishing she hadn’t asked, but now that she got Rachel talking about it, she wasn’t sure when another opportunity would come up. She knew she was probably being totally transparent.

Rachel shrugged. “Honestly? Not that different. I realize people say it is, but it’s not. I mean, she was…softer. Her lips were softer, her hands were softer, her skin was softer. She didn’t have stubble anywhere, and generally, she smelled nicer. But it was still just, you know, lips on lips, skin on skin. It was still just hand holding, kissing, sex. It wasn’t different the way I thought it would be. It was the same a lot more than it was different.”

Quinn swallowed hard. God, she hated Rachel Berry sometimes, because yeah, they were friends, and pretty good ones at that. But she had no idea why Rachel Berry had to question her sexuality which made Quinn question her own. It was all Rachel’s fault. If only Rachel hadn’t announced that she was dating a girl, if only she’d just _lied_ about her plans on Winter Formal night instead of telling the damn truth, Quinn wouldn’t be in this mess. This fucking _mess_ where she thought about what it would be like to kiss lips that were softer, to have hands on her which were softer, skin pressed against her that was soft and not rough, to have legs that were soft and hairless rather than muscled and hairy. She wouldn’t wonder what it would be like to touch a cheek that didn’t have to be shaved, she wouldn’t wonder what it felt like to touch a chest that was soft with the swell of breasts rather than hardened by muscle. She wouldn’t wonder about what it would be like to touch another girl in between the legs when she touched herself. She wouldn’t have to _wonder_ all the damn time. It was all Rachel’s fault!  
  
Quinn cleared her throat. “And what about--”

Rachel interrupted her quickly, knowing exactly who Quinn was going to ask about.

“Him I loved,” she said flatly. “That’s all I’m going to say about that.”

Everyone said he was the male version of her, but he wasn’t. Maybe it seemed like that to the outside world, but she never would have done the things he’d done to her. Not to anyone. Not to someone she professed to love. They were different in all the ways that mattered and similar in ways that were completely irrelevant. No one in her entire life had hurt her the way he’d hurt her and it was hard enough thinking about how she’d have to see him again the next time they went up against Vocal Adrenaline. And she had to admit, a part of the reason this Daisy girl was so intriguing to her was because she had a masochistic streak that wanted to see him again.

“So you loved him, but you didn’t love her. That means--”

“Why so curious, Quinn?” Rachel interrupted.

“I’m just _interested_. Friends are interested in each other’s lives, okay?” Quinn said defensively.

“Well, I’d prefer not to talk about him ever again,” Rachel said. “It’s _clearly_ over with him and I don’t see why I should have to think about it just because you’re _interested_.”  
Just thinking about him agitated her. The bad outweighed the good. That was the worst part. As good and sweet as he could be, when it came down to it, the bad outweighed the good

“I wasn’t asking about _him_ ,” Quinn protested. “I was asking about _her_.”

“Well, why are you even asking about Cindy anyway?” Rachel asked irritably. “She’s none of your business, either.”

“I was just curious, okay? I just wanted to know what it was like to be with a girl!” Quinn exclaimed.

“Why would _you_ be--” Rachel trailed off. “ _Oh._ ”

Quinn’s mouth was a perfect, horrified ‘O’. She put her hand over her mouth as thought that could cram the words back into her mouth, like it would somehow take back her outburst. “Oh God,” she breathed.

“Quinn,” Rachel said softly, putting her hands on Quinn’s shoulders. “Look, it’s okay to be curious. It’s _normal_ , okay? I know for me it was--”

“It’s _not_ normal!” Quinn shouted. “Not everyone gets to be _you_ , Rachel. Not everyone gets to date a girl one day and then go back to dating boys like it’s _nothing_ , like it’s that _easy_!”

If this was actually happening to her, if she liked _girls_ , then there was no way in hell she was ever going to get back a normal life. She wasn’t going to marry some nice guy and have kids with him and live in the suburbs and have everything work out all right despite the fact that she was once an unwed pregnant teen. She still had a _chance_ at normalcy, but if this was actually happening to her, if she liked girl, there was no way she was ever going to have a chance at a normal life.

She wanted Rachel to tell her that girls were gross. She wanted some more graphic details. She wanted Rachel to describe it to her and she wanted to recoil in disgust. She did _not_ want to think about what it would feel like to have soft hands and soft fingers between her legs and have that feel _nice_. She wanted to be disgusted at the thought of it. She didn’t want Rachel’s G-rated explanation about the difference between boys and girls to get her to start thinking about how soft Rachel’s hands were, or how soft Rachel’s lips looked, or how those lips would feel between her legs. And if she _did_ start thinking about that, she wanted to be grossed out by it, disgusted-- and not just because it was Rachel, but by the thought of _any_ girl’s lips and mouth there. But the problem was-- she wasn’t grossed out by it. Instead her underwear felt wet and constricting and what she wanted more than anything was a soft hand between her legs that wasn’t her own.

And God, apparently it was just so _easy_ for Rachel. Rachel could date a girl and not fall in love and then fall in love with a _boy_ , break up with him and be interested in some cartoon-looking girl that hit her up on MySpace. It was all so goddamn easy for Rachel, but it was _not_ going to be that easy for Quinn, and the blonde just knew it.

“Quinn,” Rachel said softly. “It _can_ be that easy. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for who you like, okay? If you like girls--”

“I don’t!”

“Okay,” Rachel said quietly. “But hypothetically, in the unlikely event that you like girls, you don’t owe it to anyone to explain, okay? Just like you don’t owe it to anyone to explain why you like guys. It’s _none_ of anyone’s business.”

“You can’t tell anyone,” Quinn said suddenly, pleadingly. “I kept your secret about Cindy. You can’t tell anyone about this.”

Rachel squeezed Quinn’s shoulder reassuringly. “Of course I won’t tell anyone,” she said softly. “I told you, it’s none of anyone’s business. Not mine, either.”

Quinn swallowed hard, feeling marginally calmer. “Tell me why you didn’t love her.”

She had to know. She had to know why she and Rachel were so different, because Quinn was fairly sure that if she’d dated a girl, any girl, she would have fallen in love. If she’d gotten so far to the point of _dating_ a girl, Quinn was fairly sure she would have just gone to whole way into love.

“Well, I did love her,” Rachel explained softly. “But it was more just…you know, friends. I mean, she _really_ didn’t want to be gay, which was okay, because I understood. But she was…” Rachel bit her lower lip. “She was mean to me a lot because she didn’t want to be. And I couldn’t figure it out because she was the one who approached me. Why would I have approached her? And she kept saying she was sorry about being mean but she never stopped being mean. Don’t misunderstand, she was nice to me a lot, too. But she was _mean_ and I understood why, but how am I supposed to fall in love with someone who didn’t want to love me and was mean to me all the time because of it? But with her family and all… I got where she was coming from and I felt awful for her. I really wished her parents were as good to her as my dads are to me, and I adored her, but I really only loved her as friends.”

She wished her self-control had extended to not falling in love with boyfriends who were mean to her more often than not, but Rachel tried to push thoughts of him out of her mind.

“So if she’d been nicer to you, you would have….”

“Of course,” Rachel said softly. “What wasn’t to love about her?”

“So you _are_ …”

“Gay?” Rachel asked quietly, peering at Quinn intently. “I don’t know,” Rachel said honestly. “I’ve only dated one girl and that was Cindy. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not, but I’m not going to let anyone tell me I can’t figure that out on my own for myself. It’s not anyone else’s business.”

“What if you are?”

“What if I’m what?” Rachel asked gently.

“Gay.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to file for a domestic partnership, although frankly, I hope by the time I am ready to get married, Americans will be more open-minded about marriage equality.”

Quinn gave her a small smile. “What if you’re not?”

“Then I guess I’ll get married. But I still hope that Americans will be more open-minded about marriage equality either way.”

“I don’t want to be,” Quinn said quietly.

“Hey,” Rachel said. “Do you want to be one of those 50 year old women with a husband and six kids who figures it out way too late and hurts everyone by leaving her family for a woman? Or do you want to be 90 years old and be on your deathbed and wonder what it would it have been like? It’s not a big deal, Quinn. Being gay isn’t the end of the world, and you aren’t the only one who is curious.”

Quinn averted her eyes. “Yeah, I guess,” she said flatly. She wanted to change the subject. “So, like, are you going to meet up with that Daisy girl?” She did _not_ want to mention that the thought of Rachel meeting up with that girl was making her want to bite her own tongue and choke on her own blood. And she wanted to scratch that Daisy girl’s eyes out.

She was confused and it was _all_ Rachel’s fault.

Rachel looked intently at her. “Well, I _am_ free Friday night.”

“It is date night,” Quinn said glumly.

Rachel smiled at her. “Are you free?”

Quinn‘s head snapped up, startled. “What?”

“I’m still figuring it out and you’re confused,” Rachel said simply. “Let’s hang out and see if we can’t figure it out together.” She smiled reassuringly at Quinn. “We don’t have to do anything. Not Friday, not ever,” she promised. “We’re friends. But let’s see if we can’t… _unconfuse_ things. It can just be a normal Friday night.”

“But you’re still in love with _him_ ,” Quinn said, making a face. She hated him, too. But only because Rachel seemed sadder after him than before him.

Rachel smiled crookedly. “No one said it would be easy.”

She knew she’d get over him eventually. It would just take time. She wanted to be loved, but she wasn’t _desperate_ for it, and she felt like she debased herself enough for him. If she tried to get him back then she really would be as stupid as she thought she was.

“We don’t have to do anything?” Quinn asked quietly.

“It might even be weird if we did,” Rachel said in breezy, lazy tones.

“But not _that_ weird,” Quinn added quickly. Because she wasn’t about to give up anything upfront.

“No.”

Quinn grinned shyly at Rachel and Rachel smiled back.

“This Daisy girl is probably a sure thing, you know,” Quinn said.

Rachel smiled. “I’m not big on sure things. I like long shots.”

Quinn looked worried. “If this goes bad, if it doesn’t work--”

“I like long shots, Quinn.” She smiled. “So are you free on Friday night?”

Quinn smiled back and nodded. “Yeah,” she said softly.

Rachel grinned at her. “Okay, then. I’m going to assign you homework before our date. I think it’s important that you become aware of all the websites and resources out there. I’ll email you the links. And be sure to take some pamphlets before you go home. I have plenty.”

Quinn grimaced. “Couldn’t you just, like, give me a cheat sheet?”

“This is very important, Quinn.”

“This is ridiculous, Rachel.”

They stared at each other silently for a full minute before Quinn finally gave in. “Fine,” she grumbled. “Email me the links and give me the pamphlets.”

Rachel grinned triumphantly. “You won’t regret it.”

“I think I already do,” Quinn huffed.

But she didn’t regret it because Quinn Fabray soon became _un_ confused and it was all Rachel Berry’s fault and Quinn was okay with that.


End file.
